


If Remote Controls Doubled as Dildos, You'd Never Have to Get Off your Ass to Change the Channel

by stellarmnky



Category: Gintama
Genre: Anal Play, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Dildos, Established Relationship, M/M, Sex Toys, Vibrators
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-29
Updated: 2015-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-11 20:26:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4451012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellarmnky/pseuds/stellarmnky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gintoki and Toshi meet again. This time he has a brand new anime merchandise he wants to try.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Remote Controls Doubled as Dildos, You'd Never Have to Get Off your Ass to Change the Channel

Gintoki knew the man sitting on the sofa of the Yorozuya headquarters very well. He went by many names, most of them screamed by his enemies while they feared for their lives at their encounter. This was definitely the Shinsengumi's Demonic vice-Commander Hijikata Toushirou standing in front of him and yet, judging by the ridiculous denim jacket, biker gloves and tacky red headgear combo, it was clear that he was actually in front of someone else entirely.

That same man currently looked at his feet while fidgeting with a hand awkwardly clutching his arm, the reason for his visit still a mystery, except for the big package he had placed on the coffee table before sitting down.

"So," Gintoki started, deciding that he had waited too long for an explanation he was not going to get. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Toshi seemed to get his senses back to planet earth when hearing the sound of his voice, mumbling an 'oh, right' before reaching for the package he had laid on the coffee table.

"I got a new Pretty Girl Samurai merchandise on the mail today, you see," he announced proudly as he started to tear the box paper apart, revealing a smaller pink package inside. "Preorder edition. Real top-notch stuff. But I'll kinda need your help with it," he proceeded excitedly, bringing the package closer to him and displaying it so Gintoki could finally take a good look. 'Pretty Girl Samurai Love Machine 5000' was written on cute bubbly letters on the front. He could definitely make out the shape of some sort of - equally flashy pink colored - vibrator inside.

Toshi made some sort of practiced move where he struck a pose, pointing suggestively at Gintoki. "I want you to try it on me, Sakata-chi."

Gintoki only stared at him blankly for a few seconds, to which Toshi found the necessity to add:

"Oh, don't worry; I sold a good portion of my mayo stock before coming here so you'll be well remunerated for this, of course."

As if _that_ was the problem.

Without further warnings Gin made his move, getting up quickly to yank the package out of Toshi's hand and running towards the nearest window but Toshi followed him just as fast, yelling and throwing himself on him so even though he was ready to throw it away they had to settle for struggling for the possession of the goddamn dildo.

"Why the hell would you bring this kinky shit into my house?!" he asked in understandable disbelief. "What if Kagura or Shinpachi were here? Oh God, you're so fucked up!"

The thought seemed to throw Gintoki off balance and that second of letting his guard down was all it took for Toshi to successfully retrieve the Love Machine 5000 and immediately run somewhere safer - from the threat of having his (probably expensive) sex toy thrown out on the street at least.

"I thought we did stuff like that all the time?!"

"No, no, no," Gintoki waved his arms in distress, "Don't you _'we'_ me. There's no _'we'_   here, I do different kind of stuff to a different kind of guy!"  
He then shook his head and sighed in defeat, finally calming down a little as he finished shouting.

"The kind that would never bring something like that into my house, you know! --And would probably try to kill me if I went as far as even implying we try this," he concluded the thought with a shudder.

Toshi's shoulders dropped and he recoiled, clutching the Pretty Girl Samurai package to his chest.

"Sakata-chi... I'm sorry... It says on the manual that 'the power of Love is better enjoyed by two,'" he mumbled while stumbling on the words, trying in vain to keep eye contact with Gintoki two or three times before giving up altogether.  


"And it’s true you know! It's just not the same by myself so I wanted to try it... With you."

Toshi's words echoed inside Gin's head.

_Shit. I know this isn't Hijikata speaking but it looks just like him. It sounds like him too._

As much as he tried not to, his thoughts inevitably went on to imagine Hijikata using the sex toy on himself, legs spread and breathing heavily. Did he finger himself first? Was he also touching his cock as he tried to get it inside of him?

_Okay, this is bad. This is seriously bad. There's no way I can go through with this. It's best to cut this off now, right?_

His internal monologue continued, but despite all the warning signs he found himself grabbing Toshi by the hand, already guiding him into his bedroom. Upon entering the room Toshi's mood definitely seemed to take a 180° turn for the better. He hurried to sit on Gin's futon, an eager expression on his face. Gintoki just rolled his eyes at the sight, sitting in front of him with a long sigh.

_...Okay. I might not have been able to cut this off just yet but I can show this guy how it's done so he'll take care of himself. Maybe that will spare me from Hijikata's wrath later._

Toshi took the hint and opened the box, finally displaying its contents between them, the dick-shaped vibrator wobbling as Toshi placed it on the futon. It was soon followed by a flashy vial of liquid he assumed to be lube and a few equally decorated condoms.

"This is the special limited edition. I know, I know. Pretty cool huh," he talked animatedly about his new purchase with a weird sense of pride but Gintoki wasn’t really paying attention, wondering what kind of sick bastard would come up with a product like this for a show originally aimed at kids and teens at best instead.

"It comes with a special lube and everything," Toshi continued, paying no mind for Gintoki’s concerns, handing him a small bottle he had taken out of the box earlier. He examined it suspiciously, squeezing a little of it on his finger. It actually smelled pretty good and his eyebrows raised in interest.

"Huh."

"It’s strawberry flavored so you can even eat it, see?"

Before Gin could protest, Toshi grabbed his arm and all but swallowed his finger, gently sucking the strawberry flavored lube out of it. It might have been an entirely innocent act but the fact remains that this filthy otaku wearing Hijikata's body had just made and incredibly sexy move. The last straw to make him snap, that's for sure. Surely, Hijikata wouldn't blame him for letting his joystick decide things from then on.

“Oh yeah?”

When he spoke again there was only a slight tremble in his voice. He took the dildo out of Toshi's hand and squeezed a little of the lube on it before offering it to him again.

"Maybe it'll taste good like this too, right?"

Toshi looked at him as if he had a brilliant idea, a shine in his eyes Gintoki wouldn't even try to comprehend. He then reached forward, licking the tip of the dildo experimentally, soon taking as much as he could in his mouth without gagging. His blowjob was messy and a little awkward - which was understandable since this probably wasn't the kind of skill one could acquire from a shut-in lifestyle - but in that aspect at least he resembled the regular Hijikata. The difference was that this one seemed eager to learn, so Gintoki would make sure not to waste that golden opportunity.

"Don't worry; I'll set up the pace. Hollow out your cheeks. As if you're sucking on a lollipop, see?" He coached, setting up a steady rhythm by pressing the dildo in and out just slightly. Toshi immediately complied, humming around the pink colored toy. He shot hopeful glances at Gintoki every now and then as if asking for signs of appreciation and Gintoki did just that, licking his lips and spilling compliments to get him going.

The way Toshi sported a serious blush on his face and a bulge already forming on his pants just from sucking that stupid thing was seriously driving Gintoki crazy and he wasn't sure how much more he could take.

Pushing the dildo out of his mouth with a wet 'pop' and ignoring his whines of protest he suddenly pulled Toshi closer, free hand grabbing a handful of his ass. The man just turned his head away while whimpering faintly in response, probably not accustomed to such levels of intimacy.

Gin sat the dildo aside for a moment and brought a hand to the front of his pants, stroking his clothed erection.

"Feeling good?" He asked teasingly.

"Sakata-chi... If you do all at once I'm not going to l-last..." was all he could manage in response, thrusting back into Gintoki's touch. Gin took that opportunity to nibble at his neck, rewarded by the way it made him tremble and shiver.

"Do you want it inside you?" He whispered, and Toshi immediately nodded in response. Gintoki gently laid him down on the futon and kissed his lips softly.

"Take off your clothes."

Toshi did as he was told and was fully undressed in a matter of seconds, watching in anticipation as Gin spread a good portion of lube on his hands. He spread his legs wide as Gintoki came closer, offering himself up as if it was no big deal. Such a sight was proving to be a real endurance trial to Gintoki but he held his ground, carefully spreading the lube down Toshi's erection in slow, steady strokes. When his hands moved past his balls to nudge at his entrance, Toshi jolted in surprise, grabbing his arm in alarm.

"S-Sakata-chi," he cried as soon as he felt the pressure, eyes going wide. "Be gentle with me, okay?"

Gintoki swallowed hard. _Shit. Does everything this guy says has to sound like it came straight from some cliched hentai?_ he asked himself in despair. Any other day this situation would have sounded ridiculous, but the fact that it was like Hijikata was saying those things, so needy and sensitive, was surely getting to Gin's head. In all honesty, all he wanted to do was bend him right there and fuck him senseless, but he had agreed to honor that spirit's perverted fantasies. Gin-san was, of course, a man of his word so he would just have to settle on fucking him with the dildo instead.

Taking a deep breath, Gintoki managed to hide most of his lustful desires as he cautiously positioned himself between Toshi's legs, ready to start that show's main attraction.

"Don't worry, I won't hurt you. If it's too much just say it and we'll stop."

Toshi seemed to have accepted the proposition, biting his lip and turning his head away instead of watching the moment Gin lowered his lube coated hand to nudge at his entrance. It had barely went in when Toshi's breath hitched and he jolted once again.

"Stop," he yelled, pushing Gin away.

" _What?_ "

"I said stop, it hurts!"

"That was way too fast!" Gin raised his voice in frustration, starting an argument once again. Being a tease was definitely not one of Hijikata's traits after all.

"I haven't even done anything yet!"

Toshi squirmed and whined on the bed.

"It felt weird..."

Gintoki dropped his shoulders in visible disappointment, thinking carefully about his next move. If that was how Toshi felt there was nothing he could do. Just as he considered giving up a wicked smile soon found its way into his face. He knew exactly what to do. Grabbing the pink colored dildo from the bed, he wiggled it in front of Toshi.

"Oh come on. Don't you want this?"

Toshi made eye contact but soon turned his head away again, brushing profusely.

"O-of course I do."

"I'm not sure if the Girl Samurai has a cock but if she had one you'd want it inside you, right?"

Gin wanted to punch himself for saying that aloud but it seemed to work like a charm, at least. There was no fooling his ears, Toshi had definitely moaned upon hearing that.

"F...Fine, Sakata-chi. I won't complain anymore, go ahead."

An easy win. He was only half-hard when Gintoki returned his attentions to where it really mattered, obviously bothered by their interruption, but Gin could fix that in no time. Changing his strategy slightly he lowered himself into the futon, taking Toshi's cock into his mouth while fingering him gently. Though he planned on doing it with the best intentions of easing up his nervousness he couldn't help but look smug while doing it, looking up with a 'watch and learn' kind of face.  
Toshi was watching intently alright, mouth agape and cheeks flushed. He probably wanted to say something but nothing other than broken words and moans came out as he sure made no efforts to keep his voice down.

When Gin figured he was good to go a buzzing sound could be heard and he directed the dildo to his entrance.  
Toshi bit his lip to contain most of his protests but with the way Gintoki went back to sucking him off, things proceeded smoothly. He let out a long sigh when it went all in, finally allowing himself to relax around it.

"I'm gonna move," Gin warned after briefly letting go of Toshi's cock, slowly pushing the toy in and out of him at first but speeding up his movements at every thrust.

"Feels so good, Sakata-chi..." He moaned and squirmed on the futon, pushing back into Gintoki's touch.

It wasn't long before Gin could taste Toshi's precum in his mouth and he decided this little game of theirs had proceeded for far too long. He wanted more of this version of Hijikata. Wanted him screaming his name as he took him viciously from behind.  
Suddenly letting go it of Toshi's cock, as well as turning the dildo off and putting it away, it became clear how much Gintoki had been affected by that whole situation as well. His lips were glistening with spit and he tried to catch his breath enough to get a conversation going.

"Hey... Enough with this already."

Toshi looked at him with a puzzled expression, watching attentively as Gintoki slowly undressed himself with trembling hands. Finally getting rid of his pants seemed like a relief if his sigh was any indication. One of his hands moved down to lazily stroke his own erection through his boxers as he tried speaking up once again.

"Don't you want to try the real deal?"

Toshi hummed contemplatively, visibly nervous again. "I... I dunno, Sakata-chi... This wasn't part of our deal."

"Come on..." Gintoki all but whined, reaching for the condom package on the bed. "You're getting way more than you've bargained for, right?" he leaned closer to hover on top of Toshi, settling himself between his legs again. If asking directly didn't do the trick he'd have to resort to dirtier methods.

"Besides, this way you'll get to try all your toys at once."

Toshi shuddered and opened his legs further, wrapping his arms around Gin's neck. It was almost frightening how little it took to convince him. While checking out that wonderful view Gintoki spent a good three seconds wondering whether or not he was actually cheating on Hijikata, but decided that was an issue he'd have to deal with later.

Taking off his boxers and finally freeing his erection, Gintoki lost little time on putting the condom on and coating his length with lube in a few quick strokes. Back on top of Toshi in a flash, he raised his hips in order to get a better angle and positioned his cock at his entrance.

Toshi held his breath sharply as Gintoki pushed in. He cursed under his breath as Gin took his time, whispering reassuring words between ragged breathing all along. Once he was all the way in, he grabbed the dildo and brought it back to Toshi, who immediately welcomed it into his mouth. Gintoki kept a steady pace as he pushed the dildo in and out of Toshi's mouth in time with his thrusts, thoroughly enjoying how great it all felt.

It's not like sex with Hijikata didn't feel good. It felt great, even. However, neither of them could deny that - like in every other aspect of their lives - intimate moments derailed into one of their competitions pretty damn fast. It was thrilling in it's own way, of course, but Gintoki could live with more of enjoying his time with Hijikata like this. Rocking into him slowly, whispering sweet nothings in his ear as they gasped and moaned each other's names.  
Times like these were pretty rare and either happened when Hijikata was far too tired to do nothing more than relax and let Gin take over or on mornings after spending the night together, when early bird Hijikata was still on the mood while Gintoki was far too sleepy to respond accordingly.  
He guessed now he'd have to add "being possessed by an otaku spirit" on the list too.

Slowly, Gintoki changed their positions without even taking his cock off Toshi, rolling him on his side and holding one of his legs up, trying to find the spot that would be good for them both.

"Hey..." He starts softly, playfully nibbling his ear. ”Hijikata barely talks at times like these... Tell me where you feel it most."

Since Toshi had been so cooperative so far he might as well indulge him on that as well, though the man could barely find the strength to respond, taking the toy out of his mouth and leaving a long trail of spit behind it, only finding his voice after at least two tries.

"Feels great like this, Sakata-chi... h-he likes it too..."

 _A-ha._ "So he feels it too, huh?" Gintoki punctuated the rhetorical question with a particularly hard thrust that made Toshi gasp.

"Hard?"

"I don't... know.... Just keep doing what you're doing!"

Gintoki happily obliged, shifting Toshi around without ever slowing his pace until he was lying face down on the futon as Gintoki held him by the hips and pounded him from behind. It's not like he didn't know most of Hijikata's sweet spots from observing his body language already, but the way Toshi was so eager on following Gin's orders, talking him through it was far too amusing for him.

"Right there, Sakata-chi--" he said, urgency in his voice. He sped up his strokes, apparently not even minding the absence of the dildo anymore.

"Gonna cum?" Gin asked as he doubled his efforts on hitting Hijikata's sweet spot. Toshi just nodded frantically, cumming a few seconds later with a loud gasp. It only took Gintoki a few more thrusts and he was coming too with a long sigh, rolling on Toshi's side with an utterly satisfied smile after riding out his orgasm.

Toshi turned to face Gintoki but it took a while for them to do something other than stare at each other while trying to catch their breaths. Toshi was an absolutely mess: disheveled hair, chest covered by his own cum and mouth still glistening with spit and strawberry scented lube.

"Sakata-chi..." he finally broke the silence between them, voice low and a bit slurred. "I'm pretty tired... I think I'm gonna go now."

Gintoki, only half listening, stretched on the futon and hummed in response.  
"Kagura and Shinpachi won't be here for a while, you might as well stay and rest for a while," he proposed with genuine interest.

There was no response, so after a few seconds of waiting he just closed his eyes and brought their lips together, coaxing his mouth open in a sloppy and messy kiss.

After finally letting go he wanted nothing more than revel in the afterglow, paying no mind to the long sigh his partner had just let out.

"I need a cigarette."

Gintoki just lazily nodded in response. It took a few seconds for his mind to come back into focus and acknowledge the words he had just heard. A shiver ran down his spine and his eyes immediately shot open at the realization. He instinctively tried to move but strong hands held him in place with surprising strength.

When their eyes met Gintoki could finally recognize the inescapable danger in them. That was a fearsome look that could curl steel. That was the demonic vice Chief Hijikata Toushirou alright.

"Maybe I'll light one after I burn you down with that pink... _thing_ you put in me, _you fucking bastard,_ " he snarled. Gintoki's heartbeat raised in record speed for a second time that day, but for whole different reasons. He was so fucked.

"Hijikata-kunnn," he replied with a trembling voice. "So good to see you back. Too bad you're in such a terrible mood!"

When bringing Toshi into his room Gintoki was sure whatever punishment he'd receive would be worth it and that thought still remained. He wondered how long it would take to talk Hijikata into going for a second round before they inevitably got rid of the flashy Love Machine 5000. If that didn't work he would make sure to cherish those moments for the rest of his life. Even if, judging by how pissed Hijikata looked, it wouldn't last very long.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh God. Hopefully this scenario is interesting enough to make up for my doubtful writing skills. Ever since Toshi made his first appearance I started wondering how much (hilarious) sexy potential he had. After postponing this for yeeears I finally decided to give it a try. Title quote by Jarod Kintz, by the way.  
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
